Tuesday I had to
endure life's worst physical torture take my kids for physicals. Now, after four years of living here I have learned a few things. I was so proud of myself for taking them to a small local government-subsidized clinic instead of scheduling an appointment with their (private) pediatrician. I was feeling so proud of myself for thinking of this. What a fantastic steward of our family's money I am.
Well... pride doth come before the fall....
I get to the clinic and talk to the receptionist about our reason for visiting, etc. She informs me that the kids will not only the the urine tests that I anticipated. But, they will also need blood tests.
FANTASTIC!! My heart stopped beating for a few minutes.
I pay the money, get the lab slips, and we head down the hall to the lab. And so begins a time where I may have lost my religion.
Things aren't so private here. So as we walk into the lab to hand in our slips, they are doing a blood draw from a boy about Callie's age. Now, this kid did great- not even a peep. But, Callie took one look at that situation and began to lose it!
You've seen that movie Carrie. It was a little bit like that.
Not pretty!! There was weeping and gnashing of teeth involved.
The lady at the desk handed me the lovely little pee cups and asked for a sample first (giving Callie even more time to get herself worked up).
Praise the Lord, Noah was very confident that he could handle it himself. He did pretty well. Callie, also much to my surprise and delight, said she could handle it herself. She also did pretty well. Only a very minor clean-up needed.
Then there's Lucy...
First off, she can't pee in a squatty potty all by herself yet. So, we squeeze into the tiny booth together. I take off all her clothes (trust me, this is completely necessary) and get her all set up. I am straddling the squatty potty. She is squatting between my legs gripping my thighs for dear life. I am bending over, holding the blessed cup for her to pee in- knowing full well her aim will not be accurate.
Why did no one tell me that moms have to do this sort of stuff before I birthed these three children?
Thanks a lot,
friends!
And we wait, and wait, and wait. The pee-pees aren't coming. We take a breather and then reassume the pee-collection position. Still no pee.
I get the child dressed, we wash our hands, and we exit the bathroom. I knew that urine tests would be involved, so smart mom that I am, I brought water bottles for the kids. I sit Lucy down and command her to drink (perhaps in the voice of Satan). I am not proud of this.
Callie had taken off and was sitting as far away from the lab as possible, tears rolling down her cheeks, talking to herself. Random people were coming up to her and trying to comfort her.
Yes, we made quite the scene.
I look at Noah and say, I don't care how bad it hurts, you go in there, take it like a man, and come out all smiles. My eyes may have been glowing fire-red. I was afraid to look in a mirror at this point.
Noah did just that. He assured everyone in earshot, including Callie whom I had summoned, that it was sort of fun!
Well- trained boy!!
All eyes turned to Callie. Now, as I dragged her (literally) to the chair (she would not sit in it) a woman sitting right across from Noah sort of had a seizure and fainted. I casually stepped into Callie's line of sight to block her from seeing this and getting more crazy. And, as all the lab staff rushed to help the woman, Callie, blind with fear, and I had a little come to Jesus meeting about how she would be getting the blood draw no matter what.
The clinic staff wisked the woman off to who-knows-where and the lab staff returned. One other technician came over to help the nurse doing the blood-draw. We forced Callie into the chair. She went so nuts at the tourniquet that the staff backed off. They said, "she is so strong!!" I think Callie horse-kicked one of them in the shin!
So, then they made me sit in the chair and hold Callie down. I had to wrap my legs around hers, cross her free arm over her chest, and hold her in a bear-hug. Four other nurses had to help me hold her down. When she started screaming I had to cover her mouth with my hand. After it was over she completely chilled out and was like it wasn't so bad.
Thanks, darling daughter!!
The sweat was pouring down my face and steam was coming out of my ears. The nurses were trying to to be nice, but I know they wanted to stick needles straight into our foreheads!
Thanks to Callie's fine performance, Lucy was a little freaked out. The nurse had a hard time finding her vein bur eventually got it. Poor little Lucy cried a little bit, but did her best to be brave.
After Lucy's trauma, it was time for my trauma.
Lucy had decided that she was ready to go pee-pee. So we assumed the pee-collection position. Lucy proceeded to pee all over my hands as I was desperately trying to catch it with the cup.
Not my favorite part of the day.
So, anyhow, when the lab-work was complete it was time to see the doctor. He was very nice, and very interested in the three little American kids sitting in his office. He said that to do a full physical, he needed the lab results first.
They needed an hour to process. But he assured us that he was there till six, so no hurry. The kids and I went to grab an early lunch. After about an hour we came back. The good news was that the lab results were back. The bad news was that the doctor was at lunch.
We waited for him. He came back and pronounced the kids completely healthy.
Hooray, now they can swim!
Oh... did I not tell you the reason for this whole trauma?
The kids are going to go to the swimming pool with Lucy's preschool...
three times.
Yep! You read that correctly (if, in fact you are still reading this long drawn out story).
THREE TIMES!!!
All that hassle for just a few trips to the swimming pool! Can you believe it?