Torn

The life we lead here is by our choice. The Lord most certainly called us here, but he did not force us. He is sweet and gentle and always waits patiently for our response to His calling. So we are here. To be perfectly honest, I try to keep myself upbeat and peppy on this blog with an occasional side order of kid pictures, funny stories, and bad attitude. But, really I try to keep it on the light side, for your sake and mine.

But today... today, I need to be completely real with you, just for a moment. Everyday, no... EVERY MOMENT I feel like I am teetering between hope and failure. When we came here, we were full of expectations and dreams, and so far things have not turned out like we had expected. No surprise, I am the queen of miss-expectations. That is not to say things are terrible or fantastic. They're just different.

It is impossible to begin to accurately imagine what life will really be like when you you are moving your family half way around the world. Can I just tell you, quite frankly, culture is a b%&^! Sorry to say that, but it is true. You cannot imagine how entrenched and engulfed you are in it until you are out of it, and then it's too late, and everything feels funny! Then you are grappling trying to understand and for goodness sakes sort of fit into the new culture, while being faced the reality of your culture- the good and the bad.

One of the things that I struggle with the most is our financial situation. In our old life, we had it good- we knew we did, and we appreciated every bit of it. By the time we were 30 we had the adorable kids, the cars, the dream house, Justin was a well respected engineer with a great firm, etc. The American Dream was in our hands, but our spiritual dream was not. You see, the Lord had been wooing and changing our hearts. He opened our eyes to an entire portion of the world that had never even heard the truth about Jesus. And after a whirlwind of slowly and scarily putting one foot in front of the other, we are here.

And we are poor.

The thing is, we're not really poor, but I just feel really poor. In our old life we were more than comfortable, we had everything we needed and most things that we wanted. It felt like we were in control of our money and therefore in control of our future. Here, we must rely completely on God which means giving up control. Before, life was good, but it was not God's best for us. Here, I truly believe that this is God's best for us, but it dang sure doesn't feel like it sometimes!! It is selfish and embarrassing to tell you this, but I am struggling with the choice to be poor. We are dependant on others and their generosity. More importantly, we are fully relying on God here. He has promised to provide and we know he will.

You see?!?!?

I am a swaying pendulum- going back and forth between gratefulness and selfishness! Who am I to think that I deserve one single thing? God Himself, in His extreme generosity and goodness has a plan especially written for us. Why do I struggle with it? You'd think after all the steps of faith we took to get here we wouldn't waver the way we do. Good grief... we're the Israelites!! Mercy, how I used to judge them!

The business that we work with here helps the urban poor. The stories that we experience on a regular basis will truly break your heart. So then, I swing back to the other side and feel guilty for what I do have. Why should I get to have a two bedroom flat when others cannot make rent on a two room flat? Why should I have to exercise to stay in shape when those that we work with are skinny because they are hungry.

So, maybe you can see.... we are poor, but we are rich. The kingdom of God is like that. Not everything is simple and neat, but it is better than anything I could do for myself.



"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11


"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!" Ephesians 3: 20-21


“[Mary's Song] And Mary said: "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name.”- Luke 1:46